Saturday, March 21, 2009

why i love craigs list personals

found this on craigs list... not putting the link here, but if you wanna verify, search personals for "bridge troll looking for unloveable hag"

Well,I guess I should start by telling a little about myself,but I warn you...I am a horrible speller and only slightly above illerate.The English language is an infinite source
of mystery to me,as most written languages are.Grasping it is a bit like being colorblind and trying to solve Rubik's Cube in the dark while having a raging frontal lobe
migraine.In my own opinion and that of many others,I should never be viewed beneath direct sunlight.Fluorescent and incandescent bulbs arn't much more flattering to me,for that matter.As a matter of fact,you should probably don a welding helmet before ever looking in my general direction.Trust me,you'll be much happier with me in the dark.I'm just going to throw that out there in case you're one of those overly shallow people.I stand shy of 6'4" tall.I am a 250 lb.lard ass,and am practically covered
in running,open sores.I have a lazy eye,and I absorbed a twin in the womb.If you stretch my skin just right,you can see him.I named him Harold,and if you tickle his partially formed face,he'll make some guttural sounds that I like to think of as singing.I have no motivation to better myself,nor do I have any direction in my life.I am content with being at the bottom of the barrel.Truthfully,If there was a way to escape and then crawl beneth said barrell,I probably would.I suppose you can say my
adoptive mother "won" me in a game of Russian roulette.I was always known around her circle of friends as her "eternal regret".I have minimal education,and my only
outlet to the world has been the occasional urine stained newspaper I would find while sleeping in dumpsters.I think it should go without saying that I have no table
etiquette,and if it turns you away,then I don't want to meet you anyway.Despite all of this,there are some activities that I find enjoyable.My main passion in life is
traveling,and I will occasionally go all the way to the Waffle House or the Walmart.

As for what I'm looking for in a large,beastly know that hanging flabby upper arm thing?.Yeah.I love that.It just may be a deal breaker if you lack it.You should have a small amount of facial hair,thinning hair on top,and an unkempt jungle down below.You get bonus points if you have some missing appendage.I also like a girl who is missing a few front teeth and can drink thru a straw without opening her jaw.It would be ideal if you can and do eat your weight in Cheetos (the crunchy
ones,not the puffs).I love good cankle,and I love a well dressed woman.Your wardrobe should consist of mostly balloon-like shirts and brightly colored cotton stretch
pants to show off that sexy front butt.I'm not all about looks,though.Personality-wise,I usually find myself attracted to womem who will take charge in a conversation
telling wonderfully long-winded tales of incredulous bullshit while leaving not a single moment for me to get a word in.I have been accused of a fair amount of self
loathing over the years,so I guess this is understandable for me.I don't like talking about myself much anyway.I have a thing for abrasive,nasal laughter whether you
are laughing at my poorly timed jokes or merely my own pale,translucent skin and general misfortune.Either way,it's a mutual human connection,thin and fragile as it
may be.I also have a lot of respect for women trying to make it in this world,so if you have a great career,like perhaps being a vereran cook at Hardee's,then maybe we
should talk.If you think you may be the woman I've been seeking for oh so long,then I'd love to hear from you.When you send me a picture,make sure to send me the
most unflattering thumbnail sized picture you can find.

But fuglies.

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